Thursday, July 28, 2011

Do you know the mother effing Muffin-Man?

Duncan Hines used to make the best blueberry muffins I've ever had, literally. A while back they decided to scratch the old recipe for a new "100% whole grain" version. It was a terrible idea but they've stuck to it, leading me to believe that no one there tastes the food before it goes out. Whole grains are great and all, but come on...these taste like garbage.

I've written Duncan Hines before to let them know how I felt but I used a fake name. Today, for some reason, probably hunger, I was thinking about those muffins again and I decided to act, this time, as myself. Maybe this will get the job done.

So I went to their webpage and wrote in the contact box how terrible these muffins are and how no one likes them and how everyone loved the original kind and how if they are going to insist that these ghastly creations exist, they should at least make the other option available, as well.

They wrote back:
Dear Valued Consumer,

Thank you for taking the time to contact Consumer Relations regarding your recent purchase of Duncan Hines Blueberry Streusel Muffin Mix. You will receive a full value coupon in the mail in seven to ten business days. The coupon is for use on any Duncan Hines product of your choice.

At this time we do not have plans to reintroduce the prior version. Overall feedback on the new version has been very positive.

We take great pride in the quality of our products and ensuring consumer satisfaction is our greatest concern. We have taken the liberty of sharing your insight with our Quality Assurance management team so they can incorporate your experience into their ongoing improvement processes. We are always grateful when loyal consumers such as you take the time to communicate their experience so that we have the opportunity to investigate.


Candy Cole
Consumer Relations Representative

This is my response:
Well, Candy, I hate to tell you what you really should already know by tasting these terrible things, but in actuality, everyone hates these muffins.
My entire family loved the original recipe. No one has purchased them again after we realized what a terrible change you guys had made. Literally, everyone I've ever talked to about this is in agreement.
A quick trip to Amazon backs my claim;

23 reviews and not a single good review of your new recipe, in fact, everyone is vehemently calling for a restoration of the old one.
Now go look at the page for the new recipe:

10 reviews and only 1.5 stars. Everyone hates it and the only 2 positive reviews read like plants from your ad agency.
And it's not like these muffins are "OK, just not as good as the old ones," it's that they are actively disgusting. I threw out almost a whole batch after choking down almost 2 of them and wondering if you guys were now considering sawdust to be a "whole grain."

I think Duncan Hines makes consistently good products, and for a while, could boast the best muffins in the world. Who's idea was it to ruin them? Do they also hate puppies and America?


I expect to get a letter admitting their mistake and pledging to restore the original muffins to my local grocer's shelf any minute now. I'll post it when I do.


  1. Never had their muffins, always been a brownie man myself.

  2. "Actively disgusting" has to be my favorite part of this blog. And sawdust.

    Some things just can't be made into a healthy version. Most people don't make muffins to get their daily dose of whole grains. Yes? Yes.