Tuesday, November 24, 2009
"If I were to make a Smurfs movie, I would make it dark" by Taylor Muse
If I were to make a Smurfs movie, I would make it an origin story, for starters. There are too many questions about the Smurfs that have gone unanswered for far too long, and I would fix that right up. Where do they live, for instance? Why does Gargamel hate them so? How does he know what Smurf tastes like since he never has any luck catching them? Here's an outline.
Gargamel is a normal, aspiring wizard in our world who lives with his loving wife and cat in medieval times. One day one of his spells opens a portal to another world...The world of the Smurfs. Garamel, his wife, and Azrael the cat venture through the portal to discover the forest where the Smurfs live. Pretty quickly Papa Smurf and the gang welcome them and they all become the best of friends. The family Gargamel are intrigued and amazed by their tiny blue friends.
One day Gargamel's wife and a party of Smurfs go out looking for Smurf-berries and, through a series of mishaps, end up trapped in a cave or some other isolating invention. They're trapped for days and on the brink of starvation when the Smurfs start dropping. The wife has no other choice but to eat the Smurfs or starve.
Finally, Grouchy Smurf leads a search party and rescues Mrs. Gargamel, however, Grouchy Smurf is forever scarred by what he sees when he finds her amongst the bones of his friends, the smell of Smurf meat still lingering on her breath. He is in a bad mood for the rest of his life. Only Grouchy, Papa Smurf, and Mrs. Gargamel know what really happened and a story is made up to explain the missing Smurfs to the rest of the gang. But little does everyone know that Smurf meat is among the most addictive substances in the universe, and soon Mrs. Gargamel is in the throws of withdrawal. Finally she snaps and in her fit of addiction picks off the lesser known Drifter Smurf while everyone else is at a party or something. However, Gargamel has sensed that something is wrong with his wife and followed her and witnessed what she does to Drifter Smurf. He doesn't know what to do so he confides in Papa Smurf. Papa Smurf assured Gargamel that everything will be OK, and that nobody will miss Drifter Smurf, and with the right counselling Mrs. Gargamel could be made whole once again. Gargamel feels better and leaves but as soon as he's out the door Papa Smurf calls Brainy in and tells him to gather all the Smurfs together.
Once they're all together, Papa Smurf explains the situation and tells about the legend of some other human who got a taste for Smurf and was almost the downfall of Smurf-kind. Papa Smurf assures everyone that there is only one thing to be done about Mrs. Gargamel, and that's to Smurf her out. Plans are made and carried out and in the middle of the night Mrs. Gargamel finds herself in a tiny blue nightmare and her life is over.
Gargamel may not be that bright but he's smart enough to figure out that the Smurfs killed his wife. He confronts the village engulfed in hysteria and though Papa Smurf tries to explain and calm him, his grief is too great and he swoops in and bites the head off of Kleptomaniac Smurf, giving himself an addiction to Smurf meat that is equally fueled by an unquenchable thirst for revenge. Chaos ensues that ends with many Smurfs falling to Gargamel's rage and the rest escaping into the Forrest to Smurf another day. Gargamel screams "I'LL HATE YOU FOREVER FOR THIS!! I'LL KILL YOU ALL IF ITS THE LAST THING I DO!!!"
And that's the end. Nobody steal my idea or I'll Smurf the shit out of you.